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The Deepest Darkest Fantasies
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mutilation Fantasies' LiveJournal:

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Friday, June 24th, 2005
9:52 pm
Fun bit of art for you all, to keep this place alive:
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Friday, May 27th, 2005
1:40 pm
Closing this community...
Combining the fact that i no longer have the time to manage an lj community, and that there seems to be a distinct lack of traffic in this one, i will be closing it soon unless i hear from someone i trust who is willing to take over the management of it for me.

If i don't hear something by 1 June, i'll be shutting it down.

Current Mood: busy
Monday, April 11th, 2005
1:59 am
Hello. I see this community has grown somewhat dead... I'd enjoy seeing it revived, if anyone is interesting. A couple of you might know me second-had due to association with taka_kitsune, not that he's related to this sort of thing in any way.

Anyhow. My fantasies frequently involve extreme mutilation bordering on necrophilia.. though more minor play is fun, too, and far, far more... do-able. *Slight smile* I'm usually the.. dominant one.. in such fantasies, but I've got a masochistic streak as well... I'm also bisexual, leaning slightly towards a preference of men, if only for versatility, but I love women as well. Hm... Is posting fiction here all right? I would assume so, but.. is it something people would be interested in? I've been wanting to try my hand at some writing, possibly of the erotic sort, and since this is my fetish of all fetishes... *Shrugs*

Current Mood: tired
Friday, November 12th, 2004
4:21 am
This is a sequel to The Beginning. My apologies for the delay in posting, but i write when i find myself at the intersection of the Muse striking me to do so, and my Mind allowing me to accept the truth enough to put it into words - one or the other occurs nearly always, but they intersect only at special times... Once again, as with the first installment, this story is truth couched in the guise of fiction, for the sake of comfort. If you prefer to read it as fiction, feel free to do so; if you are able to accept it as reality, that's fine as well. I'm in the unique position of 'preferring' to read it as fiction, but being left with no choice but to know that it is all true.


It had been a few weeks since the dream in which i'd lost my right arm to the mysterious surgeons, and i began to wonder if they would ever actually return. Something just didn't add up about the whole event; the experience was so surreal that it had to be a dream, but yet the fact remained that my right arm was (and is) in fact, missing.

So i've spent the past weeks puzzling over the paradoxes that my life had become, reviewing the events of that night in my mind, over and over and over again... and i reached the inescapable conclusion: it WAS but a dream. There were no mysterious surgeons who appeared in my room, whisked me away, removed my arm, and returned me to my bed before morning - with neither blood nor wound on the amputation site. While i generally try to avoid calling anything 'impossible', that night's dream experiences stretched the limits of even my credulity. However, this still left the unanswered question: if there were no dream-surgeons, then where is my arm?

It had become clear to me that my own perceptions could no longer be trusted, since i was perceiving utter paradox. The question i then needed to address was to ask exactly what had been going on in my mind to cause this unreliability. I decided that the place to begin was by trying to get an objective view of the current state of my body as it exists now, and work backward from there. I knew that i would need to discard any preconceptions, and leave my mind open to all possibilities - no matter how disquieting or inconceivable they may seem - because the approach of accepting direct perception had failed me.

The more i tossed around the question in my mind, examining my perceptions and my surroundings, the more disturbed i became by what i found there. The big question that weighed on my mind was not about physical perceptions, but about psychological motivations: why in the world had i been seeking limb removal in the first place? While not unheard of, the BIID condition is still somewhat unusual, and i wanted to understand why i'd been suffering from it. I had previously satisfied myself with the abstract concepts that the limbs just 'didn't feel like they belong' or 'felt like they were just tools, rather than actual parts of my body,' but those answers were no longer sufficient to satisfy me... so i found myself taking the question to the next level, and asking 'why?'

About a week ago, my perceptions started shifting a bit - probably induced by the deep questioning of reality that i had been pursuing - and rather than finding any nice convenient answers, i only found more paradox, and stranger questions... When i looked at where my arms should be - either directly or in the mirror - i would see one (or sometimes more, superimposed) of three things there: sometimes i see my arms there, although the appearance is shadowy - as though they are mere ghosts of my arms; more often, however, i see no arms at all - not just the absence of the right that was removed in the dream, but also the left; but the one that fascinates - and disturbs - me the most is when i see bilateral prostheses. I no longer can ever see my natural biologic arms there in any substantial way, even when i am using them and trying to perceive them; i also have no feeling in them at all, except an occasional chill...

The thing that bothered me most about the third image is that it was not something that i could envision conjuring in my mind: to my conscious awareness, i never wanted prostheses - as i'd frequently said among the BIID support groups, if i wanted arms, i'd keep the biologics i had, since they're generally much more useful, efficient, and lighter weight than any available alternatives. Why, then, would i picture myself wearing them? Unless... and this is the thought that disturbed me most of all... unless i really WAS wearing them, and i had no arms in the first place. Could it really be the case that i'd been armless the whole time, and that my mind had created a delusion that the prosthetics i'd been using for years were actually my own natural, biologic arms? Were my BIID desires merely an expression of my mind trying to catch up with my body in accepting myself as armless, rather than trying to bring my body into alignment with my mind by removing limbs that were already gone?

Certainly, my perceptions were leading me inexorably down a path toward the inevitable conclusion that i currently do not have arms; but i still was not ready to accept the implications of where this led. I had opened Pandora's Box, and was trekking full throttle past the warning signs reading "Here There Be Dragons!" - but i needed to know the truth, one way or another; if it cost me my sanity, sobeit - my perceptions had become sufficiently unreliable that this may have already been a casualty.

If i accept my current set of perceptions as reasonably accurate (i.e. I now have no arms), then logic would dictate that there are two possibilities: either i had them and lost them, or they never were there at all. The former case yields two corollaries: there was a time, before which i had them, AND there was at least one specific event which caused them to be lost. Obviously (or so i thought), this could easily be checked, but first, the initial assumption upon which all was predicated must be verified. While my arms were off, i posed topless for the camera, and snapped a photo of myself; i couldn't get far enough away for a full body pic and still reach the button with my toe, so i framed it from chin to waist. Sure enough, the photo showed nothing dangling from my shoulders, but i already knew that my own perceptions were not to be trusted, so i shared the photo with several friends (online, of course - my severe social anxiety/phobia prevents me from interacting with many people irl).

I'm not sure exactly what i was expecting, but sharing that photo yielded many different responses. All who saw it agreed on one point, though: it definitely depicted an armless torso. The primary questions were: was it edited, was it really me, or was it somehow staged. Despite being unable to trust my own perceptions, i felt confident enough in my memory of the answers to those three questions (no, yes, and no, respectively) that i felt it was safe to proceed on the assumption that, at present, i am indeed without biologic arms on my body. For awhile i toyed with the paradoxical idea that i simultaneously both have arms and do not have arms, but common sense rejects that hypothesis as irrational. This leaves very few possibilities, including: (a) the now-obvious fact that i have no arms, (b) a massive conspiracy amongst those around me to encourage me to believe that i have no arms, or (c) a severe schizophrenic condition in which the people around me, who see the same thing that i do, simply do not exist.

Once i finally accepted that i now have no arms, the next logical step for me was to try to figure out when i'd lost them. This was not the trivial task i'd expected it to be. I started by asking the few people who had known me in real life and seen me face-to-face if i had arms when they last saw me. Most simply dismissed the question without answering it either way - since the answer (whichever might be the truth) is so incredibly obvious as to make it unworthy of a response. A few were kind enough to respond 'of course you did', but hedge it with a 'but' - and continuing by backing away from anything that would indicate natural biologic arms, instead making their answer fit more neatly with prostheses. I went searching for old photographs of myself, but only found face shots - none showing anything below the neck. Quite simply put, i came to the disturbing realization that i could find NO conclusive evidence that i had EVER had natural arms.

Suddenly, much fell into place... my prosthetics were the only arms that i'd ever known, so they were 'my arms'; my mind had created within itself the belief that they were 'natural', but always remained nagged by the sense that they were not truly part of my body, that they didn't belong, and that they were mere external 'tools'. It even accounts for my social anxiety/phobia - my overwhelming fear of meeting people in real life, where they would see what a 'freak' i am. It helps to explain why i've always been so terrible at any kind of 'real-time' video games, only being competent at those which are turn-based. It explains why my typos are phonetic, rather than key-proximity related (e.g. i'll often typo 'awake' as 'away' by slurring the final consonant into my voice-recognition software, rather than typing it as 'awale' by having the right-hand shifted to the right by one key). So many of my peculiar, idiosyncratic conditions would be so neatly and easily explained by accepting this one simple fact.

Now that the delusion of my arms has been fractured and has begun (ed: once again, i catch myself in phonetic typo - the word that initially appeared on the screen as i typed that was 'become') to dissolve, and i'm ready to accept the truth about my lack of arms, i'm left with yet another somewhat disturbing question: why does my BIID image portray me as quad? Is there also something i should know about my legs, as well?

...to be continued.

Current Mood: horny
Monday, October 25th, 2004
7:21 pm
New here, so old elsewhere.
I am Hades of Methrilon, new member to this community. If I will remain a member for long remains to be seen for it is not this community I seek, but rather a thread of thought upon it. It is most unlikely I will share much about me in my time here so I will not bother doing so now. My posts will speak for me.
12:25 am
Stray thoughts...
Excerpted bits from a conversation from earlier tonight. spare_parts would most likely appreciate this if she gets a chance to read it...

The conversation in question...Collapse )

If only the onlookers had the first clue as to what we were talking about... perhaps in a later post to this community, I'll be more explicit in my explanations...

Current Mood: amused
Saturday, October 23rd, 2004
2:59 pm
A dream I saw
I think this fits this journal well as well as mine. A wonderful dream I saw last night (and sorry I am so bad in writing down dreams/stories in english)

It was a quiet evening. Me, my lover and few other people gathered in the bus station to leave for the neighboring city. This was not an ordinary trip, we had something we shared together.. we were a suicide club. We were planning to kill ourselves by going on the train tracks in the early morning when the morning train would come but before we had to spend a night together in the hotel. My lover wasn't just one of the members, he was the leader of the group and I had a intense attraction towards him. Mainly because of his personality and also the fact that he loved everything else I did and I can't say that he wasn't bodily sexy too. We spent a night together.. talked. In the morning we woke up and right away left to the place we were going to do it. As we arrived there I started to feel oddly calm and relaxed and I remember that when I started to smile the leader looked at my face and smiled back and we held our hands together. That's when I started to hug him tight and after few minutes we could hear the train coming.. I closed my eyes as it came closer and closer and suddenly the dream ended after the collision.
Friday, October 22nd, 2004
7:58 pm
Hello, I just found this community. I've got a similar one, called extremebodymod, dedicated to actual technical discussion on how to perform more bizzare types of body modification - it's still empty, but I should start posting on it more frequently.

About me: I'm 30, male, and not interested in limitations to my own body, but definitely interested in the idea of using other peoples' bodies to create 'living sculpture', removing limbs and performing other alterations to make fun and interesting bits of living, breathing, walking (or crawling) art.

I have a lot of layman's medical knowledge, but I haven't attended medical school and wouldn't know the first thing about cutting on someone. I mostly research stuff for 'feasability studies'; trying to figure out how possible it is, for example, to completely remove someone's mouth, nose and eyes, use cheek implant material to completely smooth over the face, and sew up the skin scarlessly so that everything is a completely smooth egg - obviously tracheotomies and stomach tubes make this survivable, assuming someone could perform the surgery. Or, for another example, completely removing someone's upper and lower intestines, and connecting their colon directly to their esophagus in a straight tube, and feeding them through IV for the rest of their life.

I should note at this point that I'm not just talking about fantasy, here - I've been looking for like-minded people for years (with mixed success), trying to build enough of a group that one of these days, say around 2013 or so, I can start actually doing some of this stuff. I figure if we haven't relaxed some of our prudish attitudes about body modification and personal sovereignity by then, we'll all be screwed anyways, so either way it's all cool. ;) I also figure 2013's long enough to get a few interested people through medical school and build an actual staff to work with.

In any case, I'm also a rather prolific artist, making pictures like this one:
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and more interesting ideas like this:
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or these:
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So, anyway, hi - this should be fun.
Thursday, October 7th, 2004
11:40 am
Hey folks, new member...27 yo male, quite serious about having my arms and legs removed and possibly being blinded, as long as I can find someone to care for me afterwards in exchange for owning me...I might consider doing same for someone else instead, or even sharing the experience which would probably be ideal...
Monday, October 4th, 2004
10:44 am
Intro intro intro
Hello. I like amputation, and my ultimate goal is to have both arms and both legs amputated as high as possible. Thanks for letting me into this group.
Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
8:59 pm
I know a few of you might know about Waita Uziga, but nobody's ever posted, so here I go. It's anime CG type stuff.

Not the main page, it's a link to one of my favorite images.
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
11:27 am
The Beginning
Several weeks ago, I'd advertised a desire for a surgeon who would perform amputations on me, to remove all four of my limbs, and leave me in a helpless, limbless state. The responses that I received were mostly as I expected: condemnations from people who called me 'sick', comments that no 'ethical' surgeon would ever perform such amputations simply because a patient wants to be rid of perfectly healthy limbs. I didn't really expect any serious replies from anyone willing to give me what I'd asked for, and I certainly didn't expect what I'd gotten.

...and so my story begins.Collapse )

Current Mood: content
Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
11:13 am
Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
1:24 pm
New word I learned recently...
apotemnophilia: the desire to become an amputee, usually for sexual fulfillment.

Haven't studied the etymology of it yet, other than the -philia suffix... but anyway, it certainly seems to fit me... only trick is to make sure the pshrynks don't decide that the condition makes me 'a danger to myself' - which would be ironic, especially considering that it's only since I've accepted and begun to embrace this desire/craving/need that I've STOPPED being actively suicidal... go figure...

Anyway, another word from the same dictionary is acrotomophilia: the desire to have an intimate partner who is an amputee.

That said, I ran across a WONDERFUL medical ethics piece dealing with apotemnophilia the other day at http://www.ilovephilosophy.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?p=1595231 . The conclusion is spot on, as I see it: not only is it ethical for a doctor to grant the requested amputation(s) to the apotemnophile, but it is UNETHICAL for them to DENY the treatment.

Current Mood: intrigued
Saturday, August 28th, 2004
7:28 pm
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages. Welcome to the wonderful delusion that lies within my mind, I may have to ask some of the more squeamish in the audience to please exit the auditorium. Thank you, now we may begin.

Although I find the aspect of an online journal rather redundant and somewhat foolish due to the fact that normally journals are a place where secrets and personal deep thoughts are scrawled, I can not help but have caught the virus in which is the need to make one. I have done this and at the request of mi dear friend Lyssa, I have joined this quaint little community.

My age and name matters little here, although one is welcome to call mi Messiah. We are here because we share a few common interests, despite the sinful quality of such things. Personally I am not into ’mutilation’ persay, but I do have a few of mi own twisted fantasies and fetishes, these I shall speak of later. In any sense, hello to all and I do hope to be welcome amongst you.

Current Mood: creative
Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
5:40 am
Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
2:17 pm
So yeah... I suppose I should post one of these introduction things...

I wont tell you who I am, but I'll tell you two of the reasons I have for joining.

For one, it was posted to the topic of a channel I frequent on IRC, so I had to check it out...

Secondly, I'm a cutter, although I dont do it to relieve any pent up emotions or anything - I just recognize that kind of pain as highly pleasing. I also find those guro pictures highly aesthetic, and not to mention blood in general is a great turnon.

... And I suppose that's it.

Current Mood: good
Monday, August 23rd, 2004
10:20 pm
my results
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very High
Level 7 (Violent)Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

on the sevent level ???muhahaha

Current Mood: amused
Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
4:57 pm
All me!
Hmmm...Ok my plan is to be a doctor and be able to safely mutilate people..be able to keep them alive while I hurt them.I live in mesquite texas:) w00t! I like myself being cut up not remooving things just making my whole body covered in blood..:DIve yet to find someone strong enough to do that lol! I would say more but im gettin bugged..>.

Current Mood: amused
6:48 am
Are you sure you can handle me?
You wanted an intro... will you regret asking for one? I'm sure some of you know me already, and for those who don't, I'm Melissa, a 22-year old transgirl from Houston, Texas, and I'd seem the farthest from someone who would be in this community, wouldn't I? Well, you'd be wrong in that regard, for I have a mutilation fantasy of my own, as tepsiar has seen expressed before. You see, I want to find men... give them the best night of their lives (as it'll also be their last as men), then proceed to slowly destroy any and all of their masculine characteristics. I want to see the horror in their eyes as their breasts start to grow, and their frustration in being unable to stimulate themselves. I want to humiliate them to the point where they are scared to blink without asking me permission first. I want to regress them from "macho men" to scared little girls. I want them to be begging me to remove the last bruised, abused, and grossly highlighted sign of their maleness, and only then, after they beg me, with tears running down their faces, would I take their sex away too, and give them the one befitting them.

As you see, my fantasy is better inflicted on others and not myself, although, I would not mind it being inflicted on me so much, as I've only been begging for years to get this offending thing removed from me. Being in this community would probably help me relieve some frustration as I would be able to get what I feel out in the open.

Current Mood: frustrated
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